Considering teaching at Gerena

Sam has posed some pretty tough questions to us in his last email. I'll do my best to respond to them as well as I can. I'm glad to share how I'm feeling about urban teaching right now, since I wish that I'd seen and heard more about it when I was at Smith. The truth of it is that you can't ever hear enough, or see enough. You can't really be prepared for it all -- for the kids, the problems, the administration, the parents, and the multitude of other factors that make up the job.

I came to Gerena with a strong conviction of wanting to teach in an urban school. I will admit that I doubted my ability to teach there and to relate to those kids. My worries have shifted a bit now. I worry now about how to service all the students in my class appropriately. Montessori is based on giving the child what she needs, and with 1/3 of my class on IEPs, and over a third on meds for ADHD, I am not able to give them each what they need. I just can't. It took a while for me to realize that and then to admit it freely. I rarely feel like I truly cannot do something -- I've made a life out of doing things that other people were fairly sure I could not accomplish. But without the appropriate support services in the classroom and out, I just can't do what is needed for my students. So I am left with simply doing my best, and hopefully that will be good enough this year. What else worries me? The administration in the building. Trying to marry Montessori with MA frameworks and expecting teachers to adhere fully to both. Finding time for my family.

How do I feel about my decision to teach at Gerena? Well, last Thursday I had a mini breakdown, having to do with working my second job and feeling overly stressed and more tired than I've ever been in my life. As my husband and I talked about ways to problem solve my sleep deprivation, he told me that he thinks I should apply for other jobs next September, preferably in Hatfield (our hometown). This is something that I have considered, although technically my contract with Springfield is for a few years still. I think about it, sure -- gee, wouldn't it be great to work in a town that [provided chart paper, had structures set up to support students in need, where students didn't bring weapons to school in fourth grade, where you could park outside safely, etc, etc, etc]. But when my husband said that, I was reminded just how committed to Gerena I am. (I also reminded my husband of this, telling him that his support in this was of great importance to me. He has promised never to mention quitting again.) I feel very strongly that I belong at Gerena right now and it is really becoming "my" school. I was surprised one day to realize I felt that way. I am invested in these students and this transition to Montessori and my own development as a teacher. Even though I cry on the way home from school sometimes, and wish like crazy that I could just go to bed at 9 just ONCE, I am so glad I came to Gerena. It has become my life in every way, and I am currently trying to pull back a bit from that, to retain some precious time for myself. That's been part of the learning curve for me. But I am learning, and I do believe that I will be really good at this job someday. I do feel like things will continue to improve with time.

What discourages me? Knowing that kids go home to not the greatest home lives, knowing my limitations in their lives, feeling pulled in several different curricular directions (Montessori, Responsive Classroom, district standards), not having enough help, never getting a sub when I am out, the lack of communication in the school, the disorganization, the complaining, and particularly the hesitation to take responsibility for anything. I read a quote lately that I want to pass out to everyone -- teachers, admin, students, etc. It's from Maya Angelou, and reads: "If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude. Don't complain!"

I can imagine why people leave this job. It's so tough. It takes such a deep toll on you -- a physical one and a deep emotional one. You might leave for so many reasons. The teachers who I know are considering leaving are ones that don't believe that Montessori will work (proof positive that a cohesive vision for the school is needed). Often it's the teachers who are alone in the classroom, without a para or help of any sort. They don't feel supported or appreciated. Speaking of appreciation, no one can ever really understand how much time you put into your job. I myself feel like I can never quite leave it fully behind.

Things that encourage me, and sustain me: my Montessori mentors. I know so many teachers who would have already left if not for the amazing quality mentors at Gerena right now. Without them we all would be floundering. The students sustain me as well. How can I leave them? Finally, my faith in what is coming also sustains me, and that's something that might be specific to Gerena. I know what a normalized Montessori classroom looks and feels like, and I wish that for these Springfield kids. I believe we can get there. So it's partially that vision that sustains me as well.

This blog has also helped. Thanks to all of you for reading and sharing your thoughts and support.